Tough Loss, Bittersweet Life

I CAN'T REMEMBER the very first baseball game I ever watched Michael play. It would have been in the spring of 2001, my freshman year at TCU, his sophomore. We had been dating since school started that fall, so we were serious by then. We had long since met each other's families and friends and pretty much spent all of our free time together or with groups of each other's friends. But when it was baseball season, our lives were predominantly spent at the stadium-- him playing and me cheering on the Horned Frogs. There was a special sort of unspoken connection between us when he was on the field and I was in the stands. He told me once that it completed his happy feeling of playing baseball to know he could look up and see me there. I grew up playing sports and I went to baseball games with my family as a kid. But I didn't love baseball until I fell in love with Michael Harris Settle. He was not the typical cocky athlete with a chip on his shoulder, but he was still extremely competitive. It was obvious he was well liked by his teammates. As an upperclassman, I eventually scheduled my classes around his baseball games because I hated missing them! His last year at TCU, a new baseball stadium was built, and Michael hit the first ever home run out of it. Michael received the Most Valuable Player award his senior year, and a previous year he was named Best Defensive Player. It was well deserved. And he will HATE that I mention that, because he doesn't like me to talk about this stuff! When Michael asked me to marry him, he was down on one knee in head-to-toe baseball uniform because he had just come from coaching a high school game! And our rehearsal dinner was at none other than the home of the Houston Astros, Minute Maid Park. Between the time that he graduated and our wedding, Michael played for numerous independent minor league teams, namely a season with the Pensacola Pelicans. Before getting signed, he was an assistant baseball coach at TCU in 2004. And why you may ask, for this trip down memory lane? Well it's not because of the College World Series!

Telling Dad to hit a home run

Love his arm around Michael's neck

I GUESS BEING HERE and watching him play again has brought back a lot of our history for me. Tuesday night the Barracudas had a tough loss, 5-7. It was a perfect summer night, with a good crowd. But when Jake and I arrived in the second inning, they were already down 0-4. Some of my favorite games are the biggest comebacks. I love the underdog and I love seeing a team rally together and fight like hell for the win, even if they still end up losing. I can recall having that fighting spirit on the volleyball court and soccer field, and it even carries over into life experiences that require determination and relentlessness to give up. I could tell how frustrated Michael was Tuesday night, that he felt like he couldn't do enough to bring his team to victory. And I had to remind him today that all that matters is that he gave it everything he had. Cliche, yes, but still true. I had a great time yelling for the Barracudas, as did Jake, whether he was in the stands with me or sitting in the dugout with his dad. It was a bummer seeing them come so close but not quite able to pull it off. I know winning is ideal, but when it comes to losing, I'm learning a bigger lesson in life. You take what you can from it and you move on, aspiring to do better next time if or when you are lucky enough to have another chance. And when I look at our son, I feel it's just as important to teach him how to lose as it is to teach him how to win. Michael and I want Jake to be a good sport on the field and in life, regardless of whether he wins or loses in a particular situation.  No one likes a sore loser, right? Nor is there anything more annoying than the gloating jerk who won. I guess what I want Jake to learn over time is to win AND lose with grace, which God knows isn't always easy, in life or on the field! I have seen my share of hissy fits at ball games, and I'm glad I haven't ever seen Michael lose complete control out there. I can see the strong competitive edge that's growing inside of Jake already, and while I love it, I also want to shape it. I want him to be able to laugh at his mistakes but also take things seriously enough to learn from them. Right now every time he swings the bat, he wants to get a hit. And occasionally, when he misses a few in a row, he gets frustrated. But I always tell him, "It's okay buddy, you don't have to hit it every time." Thankfully he likes it when we exclaim "Strike one" or "Foul ball", so we generally can distract him with those antics!

Go Daddy!

Cheering for the Barracudas

SO, COMING FULL CIRCLE, when I think about Michael's baseball career, I hope he looks at it the same way I do. I understand he may always feel a bit of disappointment that he didn't make it to the big leagues. But I hope he loves the great life that God had planned for him instead. And that he doesn't allow this life to diminish what he accomplished on the field all that time ago. He has fallen in love with coaching sports and teaching PE, and he does it well, as I know the parents, kids and staff at St Francis would agree. Our almost 11 years together has been full of immense joy and some great sorrow. Particularly in the past few years, we have endured great difficulty. Our plans and expectations for our life were completely derailed, not unlike his hopes to play professional baseball back then. But sometimes when you keep trying something over and over again and its just not working, you have to try something else all together. And this isn't giving up. It's allowing the Lord to work in your life and lead you, rather than driving yourself crazy by continuously doing the same thing and not getting any new results. Who is to say that Michael wouldn't have made it eventually? But who is to say he would have? I think the point is that we have to own our choices in the game of life. We have to stay true to ourselves by being right with God and those closest to us.

Look at him punt!

Tuckered out on the soccer field

MICHAEL and I lost each other for a while, but then we found each other again in the most miraculous way. And that is because we were brave enough to take the chance and make the choice to do something different than we were doing before. We are better than ever now-- but we had to be broken first-- there was A LOT of loss. Now, the Lord's presence in our marriage is stronger than it ever was, and I hope we can instill this rock of faith in Jake. Sometimes I have homesick days here in Switzerland, when I just wish I was back in Texas, where many things are easier, more comfortable and more convenient. But then I think about what my friends reminded me of, which is trusting God's purpose for us being HERE. No where else, but HERE. And there is peace in that. For myself, I think this is about strengthening my faith and reliance on the Lord. He wanted to unplug me from my comfort zone so I would be forced to rely completely on Him and my husband, which is admittedly something I am not the best at doing! I tend to try and control things on my own rather than trust and allow God or others to lead me. So, I tell myself, on the days I feel like I'm losing, that there are lessons to be learned here, precious memories to be made, countless blessings to be grateful for in this beautiful country. And as long as I don't give up the fight, I will win overall, even if I lose on certain days. And I know that, even if life has not played out the way Michael or I planned or expected, I am where I should be, and in losing sometimes we gain more than we ever imagined we would. I am where the Lord guided my heart, which is with my husband and our son, and that happens to be in Zurich at the moment. But what really matters is that we are together, as a family, happy, healthy, and strong. We aren't perfect, and just like the Barracudas the other night, sometimes we make costly mistakes. But we pick ourselves and each other up and we stay a team. And with the Lord as our coach and our family and friends cheering us on, something tells me that we will be just fine, no matter where we are...even if we don't win every time.

At the field

Thank you God for giving me THIS life, the one you planned for me, because when it comes down to it, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Help me to live to the very fullest and to TRUST in the path you are leading us down...where ever it may go.